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Banter

13 Reasons why she’s not into you

May 29, 2017

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Disclaimer

This post is NSFW or fit for anyone under 18. I am hereby absolved from any responsibilities and blah blah blah, so don’t come at me if you get into trouble because I’ll probably cuss you out lol. That said, if like me, you’ve been curved by a chick at some point in your like then you’ll know how much it hurts but:

I also feel inclined to point out that I’m not one of those pick-up-artists (ew, cringe) so don’t even start to message me about your female problems because quite frankly, I really don’t care. This isn’t that type of party.

I wrote this article in pure satire although some might argue that there’s always a little bit of truth in humour- you can decide. Anyway, don’t stress me out with your sensitive ass comments- just sit back and enjoy reading the 13 plausible reasons why she’s not into you.

#1. She thinks you’re “clapped”

For my international readers, “clapped” in this context is not to be confused with “the clap” aka chlamydia lol. Over here, it’s just slang that means “not attractive”.

Anyway, before I digress too much… if she thinks you’re clapped, it simply means you don’t meet her “looks” threshold.

We are all judgemental, shallow and superficial to a certain extent (evidently, some more than others) but with this one, She doesn’t find you attractive bro.

Arguably, women care more about the opinions of others (I said arguably- so don’t get pissy with me lol) and as such, they have to care about the calibre of man that they get with. Bro tip: in life, you’re not going to be every woman’s cup of tea. Just focus on improving the things you can change in your life and accept the things you can’t. Since there’s no cure for ugly, you might as well work on maximising your appearance. Get hench, dress nice and develop a thick skin.

#2. You’re not her preference

Women can be strange creatures!

You can be the most aesthetically pleasing man on the planet or even damn near “perfect” but you still wouldn’t appeal to her.

Just like you, she also has her own preferences. However, I really wouldn’t worry too much about trying to figure out her male preferences because most of the time, women don’t even know what they want until they get given it. For example, one of my female friends recently told me that she’s now into some light choking action during fornication.

How would she have discovered this new kink if some crazy guy hadn’t decided to push the boundaries and take it there? (All consensual of course)

My point is this: the “wants” and “needs” of women fluctuates like the Pound Sterling after Brexit. If I were you, I wouldn’t take it personally if she’s not into you because “you’re not her type”. Simply take your business elsewhere. Preferably to her friend. Just kidding.

Not really.

#3. She actually knows what she wants and you’re still not it

On the flip side, some women out there actually knows what they want, how and when they want it! They are the real MVP! These types of women will get straight to the point and avoid wasting everybody’s time. (Shout out to every woman aged 26-33 out there. You are chasers of your dreams and your hustle does not go unnoticed!)

However, there’s a catch: you have to meet her standards. If you don’t, you have no chance my friend. Move on.

#4. You’re too thirsty

Women can smell a horny guy from a mile away so you need to chill out. To make matters worse, you ain’t even that cute.

Unless you’re Trey Songz, Tom Hardy or some other dickhead celebrity that can cause the everyday logical thinking woman to buss it wide open within 0.5 seconds of first meeting; being too thirsty i.e. “desperate/being a dog” will only work against you.

If you don’t meet her looks threshold and you try approaching her with this type of energy, she will find you creepy. And, even if she DOES initially find you attractive, you still need to moderate yourself otherwise, you risk sending the wrong message. That is, “you’re only after one thing”. That can be a massive turn off. No woman wants to feel “used” and tossed aside like an expired bread. Make her feel special rather than “easy”.

Bro tip: women are ready to buy that dream. Life is all about elevation and progression- go  sell some lies, oops I meant, go and become the salesman you were destined to be buddy 😉 lol joking #NotReally

#5. You’re too nice

Learn the difference between a nice guy, a good guy, and a complete prick.

Trust me… (I’d tell you about the “good guy game” but, like I said, I’m not a pickup artist. Gtfo-don’t piss me off).

A “nice guy” isn’t doing any of the choking action described in #2 above.

Isn’t that something worth pondering?

(P.s. I think that this is a great time to mention that I’m not advocating for anyone to go out and start choking any woman. That said, whatever happens between two consenting adults in the privacy of their own home or bathroom floor is none of my business. But know this: fornication is a sin #BeSafeTho)

#6. You’re not on her level

Status matters to women. Obviously, there’s always an exception to every rule but most of the time, women will only date men they consider to be on their level or above. If you’re not in either of these categories, just give up.

#7. You’re still clapped

She still doesn’t find you attractive- sorry mate.

#8. She’s not available

Just because a woman interacts and engages in a full conversation with you does not mean that she’s into you like that. Even if she interacts with you in a way that your dumb ass consider “flirting”, it doesn’t always mean she wants to get romantic.

However, be careful with these ones. These types of women are deadly. Truth be told, they’re the type to be in a very stable, loving and exceptionally long-term relationship with a 6’2+ chiselled man with sick a shape up and a jawline to die for (#pause! No homo) but here she is casually having a conversation with your basic bitch ass simply because that’s who she is as a person.

In short: when you encounter this type of woman… know that she’s just being polite and friendly. Please don’t start fantasising about your honeymoon.

My only advice is to learn how to quickly identify these types of pagans and avoid wasting your time.

#9. Her friends won’t approve

I know what you’re thinking bro: “Surely if she’s into me that’s all that matters right?” WRONG! You absolute rookie. Haven’t you been paying attention? Women care about opinions and your social status is one of them. Even more so, they are secretly competing with other women and having a “better man” is definitely on their agenda (they definitely find a way to do a humble brag about it)

Here’s a quote from every basic chick on Instagram:

A Queen needs a King- not a peasant

-Every basic IG chick

(Keep your head up, luxurious Princess! One of my salesmen is on the way to sell you some dreams)

If her friends don’t approve of you, this could put off the young lady from giving you a chance in the first place. Which is a shame because I bet you’re a good guy. Oh well. Take it to the chin then attempt to squeeze her friend.

That was also a joke. #NotReally.

#10. She’s playing you

These types of women are living proof that the devil exists and is working overtime to make sure that you don’t prosper. Click on this link to read about the #WasteHisTime movement on Twitter.

Yup! Sadly, these types of women actually exist bro. Legend has it that they’re doing it for banter. But who can blame them? Some of you guys are pussies. Grow up and stop being a simp. #BitchAss

#11. She thinks you won’t be able to satisfy her

Trust me when I tell you this: a woman will size you up and down to gauge whether you have the adequate minerals to satisfy her needs. Don’t even think about asking me what those needs are. More importantly, don’t you dare ask her, dummy!

One of the qualities you need as a man is a big dic…telepathy. Yup, you need telepathy bro. You have to be able to read her mind bro. This is and should be one of your main qualities as a man! Common bro! Get your act together.

#12. She thinks you’re boring

The craziest thing is this: she’s even more boring than you but guess what? She doesn’t have any trouble receiving attention from the opposite sex.

Without a doubt, most guys will engage a woman because apparently, that which is between her legs is far more valuable than what is between yours.

Sadly, this same girl with the personality of a 20p coin will still expect you to bring excitement into her life.

But you know what? When I actually think about it, most women really aren’t that interesting. They’re so dry. Am I speaking from experience or just simply making a misogynistic statement based on no concrete evidence? Well, does water get wet? (That should keep them occupied for a few minutes while you finish reading this bro ;))

Anyway, bro… to cut the long story short: if she’s after some excitement in her life but she finds you boring, you ain’t got a chance. (This is probably the only reason a 6’1, 200lbs beautiful chocolate man like myself is still single. Okay, maybe I’m 6’0 without shoes but Santa Claus is also a blood gang member so let me live my life! #Suwoop)

#13. She’s emotional unhealthy

This is a politically correct way of saying that she’s stuck up and has major issues. (As much as you want me to, I refuse to call her a bitch)

THE END!

Well there you have it boys & girls- I tried something different with this article and I hope that you enjoyed reading it. If you didn’t well…you can piss right off this page and go enjoy some of my mindset blogs instead. (See what I did there? #PlugKing).

Oh and as always, don’t forget where you found this article and remember to like, comment and share it! You think this is a game? #BeSafeTho

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Timi Awolola

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